Addiction Poem
Enough I said
As I looked at that demon
Enough I said
Don’t give me a reason
Enough I said
As the demon cursed
Enough I said
I won’t fear the worst
Enough I said
As my mind screamed
Enough I said
You’re not what I dreamed
Enough I said
I won’t fall for your lies
Enough I said
It’s time to sever the ties
Enough I said
For the millionth time
Enough I said
I’ve paid for my crime
Enough I said
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
Enough I said
I want to put you aside
Enough I said
I’ve tried to get help
Enough I said
Get back on that shelf
Enough I said
The demons tempted me again
Enough I said
I want to abstain
Every time I try
I am one step closer
Every time I fail
I won’t rollover
I will start again
I will suffer the pain
The dark night of the soul
Will eventually take it’s toll
But judge me not
For this battle within
Judge me not
For living with sin
I’ve tried to escape
I’ve tried to overcome
I’ve tried to reach out
I’ve come undone
Accept me
Treasure me
Say that you understand
Surely you know by now
I need a hand
An ear that listens
A voice that reassures
A touch that comforts
A spirit that soars
For in my darkest hour
I will be on my own
But if I know you are still there
I will find my way home
Keep the light on
So that I can find my way
Lead by example
Don’t treat me with dismay
My heart is hurt
My soul is lost
My addiction is a mask
With a terrible cost
So if you have the courage
To keep the light on for me
Accept me as I am
So that one day I can be free
Find ways to help this process
Learn what will work best
But don’t tell me what to do
I will fight you with zest
The demons of addiction
They won’t easily leave
Your kindness and care
Will help me grieve
Be patient
Be loving
Just be there in need
Your trust
Your presence
Is just the right seed
For when I am truly safe
I will open the door
That scary demon
Will be no more
Then little by little
The other demons will fade
Then I will be ready
For much happier days
I will release my addiction
I will release my fears
I will find new ways
To do more than persevere
I will be ready for battle
I will remember I have already won
I will be ready for defeat
And not come undone
The light you left on
Will begin to shine
But this time within
Both your soul and mine
They say that everyone has an addiction. Considering that I currently have a piece of chocolate after most of my meals is probably a good indication that I have a chocolate addiction. On the big spectrum of addictions, it probably falls into the category of ‘self-medication’ and ‘low-level’ as there are not too many serious consequences for me or other people.
However, I am fully aware that it is a way for me to feed the demons I have inside, the ones that make me doubt myself, what I do or say, how I show up in the world, what people think when I try to help etc.
I personally believe that most addictions start out as a way of coping with our circumstances and at some level, they do help us cope at that precise moment. I can assure you I do feel better after eating that chocolate! But I also know that even my chocolate addiction has consequences. I also know that when I am feeling happy within, I don’t ‘need’ the chocolate. I have discovered that I don’t ‘need’ that chocolate when I feel safe, not judged (by either myself or someone else). I have also faced a number of other demons without the addiction mask, but I couldn’t have overcome them without help – both professional and personal.
So I wanted to write this poem not just for me, but for everyone who reads it and recognises their addiction and is committed to overcoming it at some point. Look for the people in your life who do show you kindness and care as they really do want the best for you. Find ways to overcome your demons on your own too. Be ready for that ‘dark night of the soul’ when you have to truly feel the hurt or grief that you have within.
I can assure you that once you do, on the other side, you will find a lightness of being within and around you. This is my prayer for you. With love, Sue Ellson 🙂
Photo is of bridge at Main Beach, Gold Coast, Queensland Australia on 14 November 2017
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