Hoping Poem
I hoped
I prayed
I wished
For the day
I tried
In faith
I cried
For the way
A dream
A desire
A longing
So dire
In truth
A fantasy
Nowhere near
Reality
But caught
Contained
Somehow
Restrained
Limited beliefs
Sorrowful weeks
Ignoring the evidence
To live with temperance
Wild and chaotic
Feeling neurotic
It’s no way to live
Something has to give
I pause
I ponder
Then my thoughts
Start to wander
Back to me
My fragility
Overextended
Life up ended
I know why I hoped
I know I pretended
It was safe to explore
What couldn’t be ended
It kept me waiting
Anticipating
Hoping and hoping
Instead of moping
I could avoid the pain
Of loss and tears
If I kept on hoping
I could ignore my fears
But what is so bad
About being rejected
I deserve alignment
And so much better
The dark night draws near
I can feel its presence
I’ve been there before
I’ve felt its essence
To purge
To cleanse
To release
To recover
There will be peace
For me to discover
Let me pass on hope
Let me live in faith
For therein lies love
As I wait for fate
I can accept
What I can see
I can learn
To truly be
I have been dating on and off (mostly off) for many years since my separation and divorce. Overall, I have learnt a lot, I have grown a lot, but to be brutally honest, I have hurt a lot. I am well aware that most of it is my own doing.
I have found myself attracted to two people (at different times) who were not attracted to me. I have also had the most unpleasant experience of having to say no to people who wanted to be with me. It has caused me enormous grief as I know only too well the pain that they feel.
I was recently contacted again by someone who would like to be with me. I had to ask myself why I allowed myself to hope for a person who didn’t want to be with me when I couldn’t be with this person. I have now realised that the only way for me to honour the people I have denied is to stop hoping for the person who has already told me the limits of their affection. I need to accept what I have both seen in action and heard in words.
At this point, I can only believe and have faith that this is the way for me to be authentic moving forward. I am not sure how I will go. I have been hoping for a long time. But living in truth is extremely important to me. This time around, I am more aware and I believe it will give me the extra strength I need to stop the hoping.
My poetry helps me work out what is going on internally and to discover the universal truth that applies. I want to be truthful in all that I do and that must include how I make my own choices. I need to take full responsibility for them, otherwise I will feel guilty for the pain I have caused others (unintended but can only be resolved from my mind if I am completely authentic).
How dare I do to others what I am asking them not to do to me?
I would like to think that all of us involved will be freed of the hoping. I believe that we can all be love when we behave in truth and faith. The ‘hope’ I would like to focus on now is authenticity and reciprocity. With love, Sue Ellson 🙂
Photo is of a string heart that had been placed on a tree branch in Damper Creek Reserve, Mount Waverley, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia that I photographed on Sunday 2 October 2022.
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