Self Preservation Poem
In the moment you decide
That your heartache must end
You toss, you turn, you worry
And wonder if you will ever comprehend
How you survived
How you complied
How you managed
How much you tried
Was it too long
Could you have kept going
What would be the fallout
Of constant unknowing
Will you be tempted
To return to insanity
Even though nothing changes
In your hoped for reality
Could there be a way
To calm the anxiety
Of replaying the past
Of doubtful compliancy
The rock of hope
Keeps us tethered and fearful
But self preservation
Is driven by love that is joyful
Send prayers of redemption
To ease your mind
All is not lost
Give thanks and be kind
Not just to others
But for yourself too
To truly be well
You must do you
There in your heart
The essence can remain
It will give you strength
And release all pain
It will bless your actions
And heal all involved
Your courageous choices
Will be resolved
It may take time
To return to grateful
So humbly wait
For future wonderful
Earlier this month, after almost five years of knowing someone that had become very important to me, I chose to end our friendship. I had been ruminating over this decision for a very long time. However, it has been difficult for me to accept the finality of my decision which has been compounded by the stress associated with the end-of-year rush.
Last night, I tried to make some sort of sense of it all. At the time I made the ultimate decision, I was thinking about the year ahead and putting the past in the past. As the next stage of the process has evolved, I have kept reviewing the decision over and over again and I have been reflecting on how it affects the other person and if there was anything I could do to explain myself more clearly or ease their pain.
The sad part is that I have been in this place before. Of trying to end things and then ultimately, renewing the friendship. So firstly, I have decided that I cannot do that again. Secondly, I came to the conclusion that no matter what I say or do, it will not change the decision I have made and perhaps it is just best to keep on moving forward. Thirdly, I decided to ‘journal’ this process through a poem – and I realised that the ultimate reason for my final decision was self-preservation – hence the title of this poem.
Even when we are ‘rescued’ from a recurring situation that never changes, it doesn’t mean that any pain will cease or that joy will instantly return. Like most of life’s challenges, I am aware that this experience will seem less difficult as time passes. I realise that I am probably still in the fairly acute stage of sadness and disappointment. It wasn’t easy for me to end the friendship as I valued it highly.
However, after nearly five years of hopefulness, it was pretty obvious it would never be different. Despite that, there is an essence of love I will treasure and hold close to my heart. That will be the lesson I do accept, that despite their physical absence, the essence of what I felt both then and now will remain. I hope it gives me the strength to continue living authentically. Maybe I will put a note in my diary for 29 December 2025 and see how I feel then. I am confident I will still be grateful. I will hope for wonderful. With love, Sue Ellson 🙂
Photo: The Granites at The Coorong, South Australia on 13 December 2024
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