Ambiguous Loss Poem

By Sue Ellson

Why do I feel
As if you have died
When I know for a fact
You are still alive

The open loop
Inside my brain
Cannot compute
Why life has changed

I know you are alive
But you are not here
I miss the past
Of having you near

I cling to the memory
And the hope of dreams past
But somehow that is lost
And was not meant to last

What can bring me comfort
And ease the pain of yearning
How do I reconcile my loss
When ambiguity keeps returning

Is there something I should forgive
Or a trick to process my heartache
Or is it about acceptance
And loving what I hate

Is there a blessing
That I could surely find
A way to make some sense
Of the troubles in my mind

To truly be present
In each and every day
Unresolved closure
Cannot navigate my way

If I grasp this pain within
And reach its deepest depths
Then maybe I can acknowledge
What has really left

And in that place of sorrow
I’ll cry those unshed tears
And then I’ll finally release
My indescribable fears

All of my worldly attachments
All of my heart’s desires
All of my sad disappointments
All of my unburnt fires

And as the teardrops fall
Their salty water cleanses
The soul that seeks some rest
From a life filled with pretences

And when reality returns
And life finds a way to resume
My ambiguous loss will be a gift
That allowed me to ultimately bloom

Last year I attended a local council networking event and a local grief counsellor was invited to provide a short presentation and they talked about ‘Ambiguous Loss.’ This can occur for a variety of reasons – a relationship breakdown, a medical issue, a change of circumstances etc. Essentially, someone we know is still living, but we either do not see them or what we do see of them has changed significantly.

When I learnt about this concept, I realised that so many of us may not have lost loved ones through death, but we do feel as if we have lost a person and we are going through a grieving process that never seems to end.

When I think of these ambiguous losses, I find myself reflecting on what was or what I had hoped could be, despite being aware that the situation may not change, even with my best endeavours.

When I wrote this poem, I was thinking of two particular losses.

One was a person I felt very connected to romantically but they did not feel the same way about me. Sadly, I had to end the friendship altogether. It was a very difficult decision but their ‘terms’ for the friendship were not in alignment with my values and despite various discussions over several years, we could not reach a middle ground.

The second is a much longer and more significant relationship that has been constantly undermined by disrespect and yet I had always hoped that at some point, a mutual understanding could be reached. When I recently realised it couldn’t, I decided that I had to let go of those hopes and dreams and accept that their behaviour was never going to change.

Of course, there have been many other ambiguous losses I could have reflected upon when writing this poem, but these two losses have affected me deeply and for an extended period of time.

When I write poetry, I like to delve into the true nature of the emotion rather than what I ‘think’ it feels like. I am hoping that as you read this poem, there is a way for you to acknowledge your losses and a way for you to grieve those losses, which in many cases, can be as significant or more significant than a death (and without the opportunity to gather and grieve). With love, Sue Ellson 🙂

#ambiguousloss #SueEllson #SueEllsonPoem #poem #poetry

Photo in the poem is of Half Moon Bay in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia on 8 June 2020